I am types of gossip, I hate my existence.

You’ve had a straight face forever. You’re waiting for your chance, again forever. Something’s eating your fat for ages. You tighten your teeth, your facial muscles every now & then. You’ve mastered the art of fake smiles. You need to get it out or you’d sulk in mediocrity. You find that one person, the one in your ‘My People’ list. You see that person has some free time. You release that ‘We need to talk’ expression. You find a two-chair table in a coffee shop or bistro. They’ve got happy hours as well! F*ck yeah! The music’s surreal. You feel the coffee/beer with both your hands feeling the warmth/cool to charge you up. Then follows a deep breath. You look straight at the receiver’s end. Conviction pulping within you. You release a disclaimer, a disclaimer that warns your receiver to not judge you on the forthcoming words. That you’re a genuine soul blah blah but this is all because of the circumstances. And then finally with the most dramatic expression, the most dramatic tone, the most dramatic words, but maintaining the lowest decibels you’d begin… The only time you’re seriously engrossed in a conversation beyond your college viva/oral exams our your first job interview.

Let’s say it’s the idea of telling Human 1 that you’ve learned something about Human 2/3/4/5/6/… and that your point of view is God’s word and the discovery of this century and ensuring the fact Human 1 also believes as you do about Human 2/3/4/5/6/… and would henceforth validate your theory and be a flag-bearer of this analogy to the world and would also credit you when truth unleashes to this empathetic world. Just add dramatic human expressions to the above lines. That’s me, a gossip!

You know the word gossip first meant godparents or a familiar acquaintance and was used to describe someone who told of a family’s news and developments. In Shakespeare’s time, a gossip was also someone who sat with a woman through childbirth, perhaps to talk, offer comfort, or to help her pass the time. See how far we’ve come, haven’t we?

Anyways, let me NOT take this opportunity to be #Gyaani enough to explain to you what wrong and right it does to your life. Rather I’d focus on the types of me (Gossip) you engross yourself into and the way you deliver them…

The casual humor ones: You heard somebody farting, to you saw somebody pursuing an unconstitutional deed within his/her frame of reference. You overhead an expression of illusion from a highly acclaimed person, to you saw someone in an uncomfortable position. These are short ones that imbibe a sense of humor within a conversation. Delivery: They don’t require a specific secluded session. Just a couple of minutes in the lift or the corridor or on the phone. Say it in a lower tone but laugh out loud to catch everybody’s attention. You wanna make it more intriguing? Just look at the victim once, ensure it’s quick enough and maintain the smile on your face before bursting out into laughter again.

The disgusting ones: You learned that fact about somebody which you’d never imagine them to pursue in your wildest dreams. You’ve been ditched/back-stabbed and all other fancy terms associated with this. You’ve lately experienced something about you which is absolute ‘Not you’ blah blah. Delivery: Ideally, this might be shorter to a slightly longer session. Facetime might be important, over the phone is your choice. You’d require a secluded area even if it’s the corridor, however, a coffee shop is ideal. Even a post-lunch/dinner walk would suffice. This would require some undivided attention from your receiver and your consistent delivery of seriousness. A couple of silent moments would help you build intrigue. Mostly ends with — ‘Let’s see what happens next?’ kinda ambiguous lines.

The frustrating weird ones: You expected somebody to do X, he/she delivers Y. You’ve been chasing somebody since you were born, but the chase is yet to succumb. From derogating some relationship to a disappointing cab/food service that betrayed you, you’re frustrated in your head and desperately need to rant. Delivery: Ideally, this would be in-person because you’d be loud. On the phone is desired but only if you own privacy. This is one of the most common gossips where you’d need to focus, hence coffee shops ain’t an ideal choice. Depending on how expressive you are, this session can help you feel better. However, you need to ensure you don’t deliver beyond your rant aligned spiel or it might initiate a different conversation from the varied categories here.

The grief imbibing ones: The existence of this type is generally a piece of news, an update that breaks through your life. No matter how big or small the cause is, you feel sad. This can be your appraisal letter, a work failure, a personal failure, a financial stress blah blah. Delivery: Ideally, this might require an hour or so because it involves context setting, establishing the problem statement, and then introducing the subject in despair. Your tone in all sense should be of helplessness or empathy. You need a good listener for these sessions and somebody good at counseling. You might end up crying and all. Ideally, this is good to be on phone, or in a bar. Coffee shops don’t add up to the cause unless you’re financially ripped.

The ‘I am hurt’ ones: You instigated somebody enough to seek a reaction that falls in that ‘WTF!’ zone. You took a decision that was long impending and it had to see the day. The word sacrifice stands important to this category. You came out as the larger soul but still were hurt. This is a bit extreme out of all the ones above and requires a very sacred delicate treatment. Delivery: If bars and bistros ever had a meaningful existence, it would be for this session. Happy hours are ideal! Because you’d embrace for the mother of all delivery. Or you’d find yourself puking in your washbasin on a cozy Sunday afternoon post excess single malts. This one is planned and requires a proper setup. I can’t really explain your expressions because over the years I’ve had varied experiences across varied human situations. All I know is you’d end with lines like, ‘It’s over!’, ‘It won’t be the same again’, ‘It’s a mean world but I am a fighter’ blah blah…

I can further help you with sub-categories but the point of this analysis is to literally help you realize what goes through one’s head when you’re in such situations. Letting it out of you for a couple of moments might be a good habit until it embraces you with advanced skills of just doing the same forever. And trust me, practicing this would keep you a virgin to the larger skill of ‘moving on’ or ‘enjoying the world’ around you. Studies say it’s good to practice me. I’d say practice me only when you have nothing to do. And in an ideal world, you should always have something to do. Hence, just try and avoid me, will you?

After all, I am a gossip and I do not wish to love my existence.