It was Embarrass O'Clock, I denied my existence.

September 2013.

Attire: Red D&G t-shirt, Blue Denims (New & to be washed every 3rd day), Converse sneakers | Phone: Nokia *some version* — windows OS — I had given up on Karbonn with its Boom sound. But this OS sucked my blood & time. | Song on Playlist: ‘Don’t you worry child’ — Swedish House Mafia — Heard it in a club, the last song for most of the weekend party’s in Mumbai. | Mindset: I am boarding a flight. I am socially, financially, mentally, physically, politically and some more ‘ly’ now UPGRADED | Time: Brag’O’Clock

I was bound to board my first flight in life.

Mumbai to Bangalore, flight **** departing at 7.05 am, reaching Bangalore at 8.35 am for a field visit. Honestly, I forgot everything I faced in the last 20 days, all the insult, disrespect, embarrassment, for a moment, this place was giving me something, an experience I never did before, or I really wanted to do it. I was travelling with my boss & he was supposed to guide me on how work happens at the most basic level with the on-ground teams.

My folks were really happy back home. I had all reasons to brag at least in front of my parents. Their son was a big guy now. At least that’s what they said. I remember taking 5 printouts of the ticket & Why?

All packed & set, I woke up at 4.00 am. Left home at 4.45am. Why? Because I got a text from the airline warning me to be at the airport 70 minutes’ prior (that general message), I took it seriously with all the audacity. I reached the airport. I had some tips on how do you align yourself & get through all the alleged formalities. All set, I was boarding the plane finally. Imagine the first time you’ve seen a fancy toy in life, the one which you always wanted, and it's with you. The first time you visited a Zoo & watched those animals live, I was awwwe’d by the sheer size of this human invention & aura around it. I had a dumb company, who never spoke apart from ‘Hey What’s up?’ called my boss. I didn’t want to make it obvious to him that this was my first time. And you know it why… that pseudo social status bragging. The moment I was seated I was scared. Why? 2 reasons.

1. I had a middle seat, it made me uncomfortable. And when you’re squeezed, your anxiety level increases may be because you feel suffocated.

2. The way the cute lady gave a demonstration on emergency landing, I had my balls in my mouth. How can you be so blunt in giving a demo for something which is bound to rest you in peace? I mean, the detail in which she explained was shit scary. Those oxygen masks, the emergency jacket, you feel, you’re briefed for a military mission & have to perform this in the coming minutes. Why would a beautiful lady do this to me?

Everything was fine unless the aircraft started making some really loud noise. All I could see was a broad road — ‘runway’ as they call it. And man I tell you the next minute, the speed it started with. I held my hands tight on the already disputed side-armrest (Between by adjacent passengers), shut my eyes, the moment we took off, I technically could feel my urinary gland sulking upward & urge to pee growing. In addition, we had clouds & that super experience of turbulence as they call it. In 10 minutes, I started reciting ‘Hanuman Chalisa’.

The plane was moving around with unorganised heavy side movements. I didn’t open my eyes for a good 20 minutes until it got stable & we had bright sunlight. I slowly opened my eyes. Still scandalised. My Boss next to me vomited with what he is good at, ‘It’s ok, it’s your first time, I believe’, I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. With life a bit stable, we had 75 minutes of airtime to cover.

Morning hours are awesome, Except for 1 problem, which might sound subtle but has a decent impact on your body behaviour — Your digested food waste emission. If you don’t get those peaceful 10 minutes which you are habituated to every morning in the loo, you’re bound to have a bad day! And here my friend, I had a nightmare in the last 25 minutes. I had an urge, I stood up. And made my way to the cutest, most compact toilet on this planet with many free unexpected or simply unpredictable bumpy jumps & movements (they really help in the process). I seated inside barely fitting into that space. Maybe my anxiety was back to normal. There was an usher sense of comfort & relaxation in the mind and with my tummy parallel. This was so comforting, & thanks to my sleepless night (woke up at 4), maybe this was the most relaxed moment I could get in the last 6 hours.

‘Are you alright?’, I heard this voice on the phone, it was *The Girl 1*, the lady from *My Junior College*.

‘Yes!, Awesome, but why do you even remember me now?’, I was angry. ‘Listen, are you alright?’, she said the same.

‘Yes baba, Why all of a sudden so much care? Did anybody tell you something? ‘Are you alright, Sir?’

‘Why are you calling me Sir?’

An acute bump literally shifted my body, I could sense the body moment. My eyes were wide open in shock. Where the F was I? In this smallest possible cabin. It took me 5 seconds to realise where I was. Gained back my senses.

‘Sir, please open the door, are you alright?’, I heard a voice from outside the door. Shit! Holy shit! I quickly wrapped my session. I had no clue how long did I sleep here unless I opened the door. The first face I saw was of the Air-hostess, ‘Sir are you alright?’,

‘Yes, I am fine!’,

And I looked out, 6–7 people in the queue, all waiting to use the facility. Correction! 6–7 sheer angered eyes, ready to brutally assassinate me, for holding their bladders. I could sense I have done something really wrong here. Quick to action or save my ass — whatever you call it.

I put my fingers around the forehead as if I fainted inside (I was brilliant in acting), the air-hostess came rushing to me, ‘Sir, you need something?’,

‘A glass of water please?’,

‘Sure Sir!’,

There was this gentleman in his 50s, South Indian with a big moustache who gave that worst paranoid look.

‘I don’t know, I think I fainted inside!’ I just threw an explanation in general so that he could hear it & change his views! But he didn’t. I was so fake for somebody to faint. Suddenly the seatbelt sign went ON! And there was an announcement. The most important words were, ‘Use of the lavatory is no longer permitted’ & this was before anybody could use the loo after me. Somebody can kill me you know. And I wouldn’t feel bad about it. I was in this loo for 45 minutes, and I slept.

I had the guilt to hold the pee of at least 50 passengers with medium urge & 7 in line with an urgent situation. I took the long walk back to my seat. Everybody, every single eye in the cabin was on me. Embarrassment is an under-rated word here. The 50-year-old man whispered silently when I passed him, ‘It’s called sleeping, not fainting’

Back to my seat, my boss just looked away, as if he had no clue who I was. The first time, I am sure the experience was definitely a luxury but my karma inside the flight was surely not so memorable. But you learn from your mistakes, right?

Honestly, I maintained & corrected everything I did wrong or was unaware off to the sheer class you should travel with from my 2nd official tour. (to the 698 different flights I have boarded till date — Yes, I keep a count!)

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