It was Nervous O’Clock. I hated my existence.

April 2015: One of the tallest, largest & ‘Brag-worthy’ workplaces in Mumbai. It’s the 11th floor. I could see the skyline, the early morning crawling traffic, orange shaded progressively running sunshine & my blood-red eyes (52 sleepless hours) in the reflection of a neatly cleaned man-sized window-pane.

Attire: INR 11,000 worth stitched Z-Black Blazer with a chequered Red Tie (a gift on shopping for INR 2000+ :p), neatly polished ‘rat-race’ edition black formal shoe (carefully caressed with cherry) | Phone: Nokia *Some Edition* — on ventilator; I knew it would die (for life) any moment. | Song on Playlist: Lakshya (Hindi film) — title track | Mindset: ‘Fhatt ke Haath mein aana’ (No English translation) | Time: Nervous’O’Clock

I was in one of the office Cabins. The video conference was scheduled at 9.45am. It was still 7.00am, yet I could start my rehearsed spiel in the next second. I set up the webcam in a way where I could be seen with pseudo attributes in the best possible way — thin, fair & handsome. I adjusted the lights in the room and covered the transparent part of the cabin with just arrived, fresh sheets of transparent views of India. (I did not want anyone to see my soul-selling, self-worshipping process)

I started rehearsing my introductory dialogues in front of the webcam.

‘Hi, I am Krishnakant Mishra from India. Before we begin, I am sure there will be a… a…’, I halted. I could see myself stuck in the frame. ‘Shit! I didn’t do the last follow up call. Shit! Shit! Shit!’

I ran towards the reception which had a phone with ISD calling facility. In the next 20 mins, I made a total of 9 calls. The security guy at the desk kept a track on every ISD call that went through office. He kept staring at me. He knew the kind of guy I was — I always spoke, smelled & looked rural at work, why was I even making International calls?

‘Sir?’, he stopped me

‘Yes!’, I replied.

‘Just to confirm, you made 9 calls in the last 20 mins?’,

‘Yes!’,

‘Singaapur, Haung Kaung, Mauritous, Londun, Jaakarta, Tokkyo, New Yark, Las Angels & Shannghaii?’,

‘Yes!’, I confirmed

‘Why?’, he replied. I guess he was playing that quintessential Bollywood cop’s role because of sleeplessness.

‘Are you paying for it?’,

‘No’, he giggled. Yes! He was playing that role.

‘Then, it’s none of your business!’, I was shrewd. He quietly got back to drawing lines in his register.

Technically, I took the biggest blunder for one of the biggest opportunities till date — in my life with just 0.5% chance to succeed, as my loved ones had warned me (0.5%, bloody engineer’s analysis, #Phew).

I was in a position that I would crash land if this fails = Depression. But if it went as planned, I would be filling my passport with stamps. I had to do it. I already had lost enough chances believing in what people suggested / recommended / demanded out of me.

I was also very confident that I wouldn’t be that effective just virtually presenting myself to 7 industry stalwarts. What if the internet connectivity backstabbed me? What if I wasn’t audible to them? What is one of them didn’t have a GOOD morning? What if they didn’t like my face? I was confident about the possibility of the last question though :p

I had to do this. Even when 99.99% of the people around me were against it. Even when I was disowned by everyone I ever looked up to. Even when I had to spend all of my life savings on this.

The only #gyaan that stayed with me came from 3 different people at 3 different timelines, but the words were exactly the same: ‘Krishna, Defeat is a choice & so is victory, so before even starting your fight, learn to choose.’

I had to do this. This is what you call Gambling, I guess.

This time, not with chips but life.

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